How to Conquer Conflict and Say Goodbye to Unpleasant Memories
When was the last time you had an unpleasant encounter? One where you felt you didn't get the chance to put across your point of view and it left you feeling frustrated or humiliated. You wanted to turn around, slam the door and walk away but you couldn't because:
- it's your boss
- or a client
- or maybe someone you thought of as a friend!
And we're all great at the replays of what we could have said or done!
Most of us feel threatened by conflict and have learnt to either:
- avoid it (the run away strategy)
- ignore it (stand there and take it while we seethe inside strategy)
- strike back (the no winners here strategy)
None of these reactions help us to conquer conflict and say goodbye to unpleasant memories.
It was Dr Wayne Dyer who said, "Everything is either an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to keep you from growing. You get to choose."
When we ponder and acknowledge the truth of this statement, we begin to understand how the human mind analyses and interprets incoming information. There are two steps to recognising and reorganising our thoughts and reactions.
Step One - Become Aware of Your Reactions
When we become more aware of our automatic reactions, we can begin to question and analyse them and in so doing, empower ourselves to make better choices. When we deliberately choose our actions, we direct the course our thoughts and emotions will take.
A simple example of an automatic reaction could be that we were once bitten by a dog and now avoided all dogs. In fact we are scared of dogs. Though this is neither rational nor real, our automatic reaction is to be afraid of dogs.
Dealing with our emotional reactions is not covered in this article however you can access a complimentary copy of Coaching for The Negative Voice available on our site.
Here's a simple example of how this knowledge may be put into practice:
The door flies open and your boss (who appears to have steam coming out of his ears) aggressively snarls out questions and demands about a customer issue. Your usual reaction is to jump up and grab for the customer file while attempting to defray any and all derogatory comments aimed at your competence.
In this scenario, you have danced to the same old tune - both of you have danced to the same old tune.
Albert Einstein said, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result."
Given that, let's look at the same scenario and change our reaction/actions.
Step Two - Change Your Reactions to Deliberate Actions
The door flies open and your boss (who appears to have steam coming out of his ears) aggressively snarls out questions and demands about a customer issue.
You make eye contact and hold up your hands (in the stop position) and in a calm voice say, "okay boss, have a seat and let's have a look at the issues."
You have immediately acknowledged there is an issue and offered your assistance.
In this circumstance you have simply removed emotion and reaction from your response to - let's solve this together. Your boss experiences calm assistance from you (a different tune) and his or her reaction should reflect this difference.
Same scenario - new tune!
You have taken a breath, become aware of your automatic reaction, and then deliberately changed your pattern to choose a new and improved course of action.
If perception and truth are not necessarily reality, how do we change our perception to create our reality? Is it as simple as choosing our actions - rather than reacting?
I believe it is.
You decide what, if any action you will take and be responsible for the outcome.
When you start to live deliberately, you develop strategies that generate positive outcomes and in the process, create new behaviour patterns such as effectively managing (our perception of) difficult or aggressive people.
And strangely, we don't find that person as aggressive or dictatorial any longer.
Note: There is a great difference between bullying behaviour and reactions to stress in the workplace. Don’t confuse the two. None of us deserves, nor should we accept, bullying or abusive behaviour.
What needs to change?
What thoughts, actions or beliefs do you need to review in order to create a different mindset that will in turn change behaviour patterns? What serves you and what depletes you?
Taking Back Our Power
When we feel threatened or intimidated by someone, we inadvertently give them the power to continue to make us feel that way. If we want to change how we perceive them and ourselves, we have to make a decision to change our reactive behaviour. We have to change us! We choose to act rather than react, giving us the power to direct how we will manage any situation.
Each time we successfully manage our actions, our confidence in our abilities grow.
Enjoy the journey,
Pamela
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